Four years ago, a war was waged--between the internet fanboy community and GI JOE: Rise of Cobra. This was no half-assed scuffle, it was a violent battle where the fanboys took it upon themselves to make damn sure this movie was a failure and everyone involved be made to suffer for it before the film had even started shooting. This resulted in hateful petitions, prerelease boycotts and even a well spread rumor that test audiences gave the film the lowest score in the history of test audience scores; you'd think the fanboy community found out Rise of Cobra was secretly banging its mom and wanted it to move out of the basement. Somehow, despite the nerd rage, Rise of Cobra was a big hit which guaranteed a sequel. But how do you make a sequel to a successful film that so many people hated?
Tremble in fear Hollywood, you have incurred the wrath of poonquestor87!
Your destruction shall be slow and merciless.
This film should have been called GI JOE: Fanboy Appeasement. At every turn, this it feels like a direct response to all the things that nerds bitched about 4 years ago: outlandish sci-fi elements=gone, original cast=killed off in the first ten minutes, mouth molded on snake eyes' ninja mask=removed (seriously, this was a problem). But like so many other instances of fanboy appeasement (Spiderman 3 comes to mind), this does more harm than good.
SEE FANBOYS! NO MOUTH! ARE YOU HAPPY?
One of the biggest disadvantages to killing off your entire cast and starting fresh is, you have a whole new group of characters to introduce and develop; that's what origin stories are for, i.e. the first movie in a series. As awesome as The Rock is in the lead role (he was actually supposed to do a cameo in the first film), too much time is wasted distancing this film from the tone and characters of its predecessor to really stand on its own. All the characters (even the few returning ones) feel very underdeveloped and just aren't memorable. Even if the characters from the first film weren't well liked, at least they were all developed and, dare i say, entertaining to watch.
Though the new cast is not without its charms....
Resetting you whole cast also leaves less time to develop the story. More often than not, the characters have to spout longwinded exposition (usually by the RZA's blind master) to compensate for things the movie doesn't have time to show. The overall story feels like two different movies (a decent military story and an awesome ninja story) that eventually combine into one by the end. This film is a collection of sometimes brilliant scenes that just aren't held together very well. On the plus side, most of the action is quite good and there's a CLIFFSIDE NINJA FIGHT SCENE as the film's centerpiece, so it's far from a total wash.
Badass ninja epic with amazing fights and outlandish costumes and sets....
TAKE MY MONEY NOW!!!
I have a confession to make, I enjoyed GI JOE: RISE OF COBRA. It was a big, dumb yet immensely fun time at the movies with the kind of outlandish sci fi and action elements that helped it stand out from the crowd. Now that I've destroyed my credibility, I'll give my final verdict. GI JOE: RETALIATION isn't a bad film, but in trying to please the nerds it's compromised its own potential. With the exception of The Rock (seriously, this guy was born to be a JOE) and the awesome Ninja story (which deserved its own film), Retaliation was pretty disappointing. It's difficult to recommend this one, especially with so many other amazing looking films on the horizon. If you're looking for a fun action movie (and you've already seen OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN), then this one might be worth a matinee; but in a few short weeks, there will be too many better options to recommend it. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.....
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